Closure

It’s been ten days from the ‘end-of-the-world’ till the end of this year. Seems like a long time since I made my last post here. I miss you, my readers and trust all’s well during this festive season.

I need to come clean with you about being sick and not writing. I did have a bad cold and slept for two days after downing Lemsip Max and a self-prescribed cure ritual of Vicks and hot tea.

That’s just the little sick part. The real being sick is with the crazy world of violence, abuse, corruption, hypocrisies, and the drive for material success through self-serving, selfish means. That’s what the mainstream media is all about these days and hypnotising the masses with the new order of synthetic values.

Whatever happened to latest inventions and discoveries, stories of innovations and creativity, admirable deeds of morally upright men and women, kind acts for the greater community and all the stuff that we want to teach our future generations?

Instead we are bombarded with stories, pictures and videos of degrading societies and flashes of imbalances that are eerily similar to the times leading to the widespread power struggles, brutal conflicts and systemic breakdowns.

Perhaps I’m over-analysing the situation and should turn a blind eye to what’s going on. Focus on the good things. Go shopping. Have long blissful lunches and talk about holidays.

Bubble wrap in a personal sphere of sweet comfort and immunity from the problems of the world. Why bother with what’s going wrong as long as things are going right for me? Just be happy (-lah), I’ve been told. It’s easier said than done. One can be happy and not content; be content and not happy.

Do you make New Year’s resolutions?

I used to but now I only make them when I can make closures first. Over the years, I find it difficult to start something new when I’ve not succeeded in something I’ve started. Some years I have no resolutions because I’m still stuck with the old ones. Does this sound weird to you?

Here’s an example. I’ve always wanted to improve my golf game, even daring to resolve winning a tournament someday. Every year, it’s the same resolution.

I have a love-hate relationship with golf. Love the game, hate the weather. The weather usually wins and my game never got better. In fact, I’m at the stage that I only play with strangers who didn’t know how bad I am.

That’s why I never wanted to invest in a new set of clubs. They’re state-of-the-art 20 years ago, bruised and battered now. It’s a chicken-and-egg situation. I reckon it’s the player not the clubs and I should improve first before buying new equipment. Well, the player didn’t get any better and the vicious cycle anchors itself.

Just a few days ago the full moon was at its brightest and glowing for the last time this year. The moonbeam shone directly through my bedroom window arousing me at five in the morning like a  scene from Peter Pan. Moonstruck and unable to sleep again, I decided to play golf.

The course was still dark so I walked for a few holes and teed off at first light. Its nice being alone  in the open before sunrise, before everyone else arrives, before anyone else steps on the new day fresh dewy grass, and before the world awakens in full force dispersing every single quiet moment into dust and rush.

It was in the few quiet moments that I realized my clubs did affect my game and I should have replaced them long ago. Normally, one would do a practice swing before hitting the ball. I did that. No problem. But when it comes to the actual shot, I would either top the ball or do something silly to make the ball roll a few pathetic yards as a saving grace so I can advance to the green with the others.

Golf is as much a mental game as a physical one. The concentration at execution is so important that even an excellent player can goof up if there is any form of distraction.

So like a pro-wannabe I try to concentrate before I execute. Each time I concentrate and focus on the club head, I think of my ex-husband. It’s just a fleeting thought, a reminder that he bought the clubs for me so we could play golf together. It wasn’t a gentle reminder at all. More like a jolt from the past that comes and goes so swiftly that it’s hard to know what hit me. It’s only when I daft the shot that I realized my mind did stray.

So that morning of the full moon, it finally occurred to me that I didn’t have a proper closure to the end of my relationship. There are still many lingering thoughts and associations to things and places that we’ve shared during a phase of our lives until our divorce eight years ago.

Good and bad experiences, promises and threats, love and hatred all jammed into a corner of the memory that keeps lurking out without warning and definitely without invitation. There’s no pain or discomfort. It’s more like a bug that flies into your face and you swat if off by reflex.

How does one have a closure? Is it a definitive single event or an ongoing process? Will going away forever help?

I may not have a full closure on this one anytime soon and there may be many more doors to close. Being aware is a major breakthrough and I’ll just to be content with closing one door at a time, at the right time.

For a start, I’ll have to change my clubs. They’re not working out for me any more. It’s time to move on, get something better and concentrate on improving my game this coming year.

Finally,

Thoughts for 2012 –
        Wear CONTENTMENT like our clothes and HAPPINESS like accessories.

Wishes for 2013 – Peace, Love and Respect for ALL

JY

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